OMG it's the first girl ranger yo!
by Rowana1
Summary: Christmas present for Halt's Apprentice. Contains crack, crack, and more crack. Rated for use of the word 'snog' as well as very inappropriate uses of characterizations and characters in general. Major abuse of all things pure about the original story.


**Warning! This is made of pure and complete CRACK and will include slash references purely for the reason that will be mentioned at the end. No, I do not support one drop of anything mentioned in this story and yes, it's all done because it's my sick twisted Christmas present to Halt's Apprentice. MYAHAAHAAHHAHAHAAI *Coughs* **

~OMG It's like the first female ranger yo~

Awesome was a strange girl; she'd had military training although she was as poor as dirt, and was highly skilled in every way possible. She was also drop dead fantastic looking, with bright violet eyes that seemed to reflect something special. She was super wise and could learn everything possible about a subject in an hour, not to mention the fact that she could walk over anything without making a sound. In other words, she was perfect.

But yet she was unhappy.

You see, although Awesome was so amazing, she had no family. Her mother had died in a fire and her father had died trying to rescue a cat from the middle of a glorious battle- although, you understand, no one knew he was such a fabulous knight, otherwise Awesome would have been cared for better- and she'd been sent to live with her grandparents, who ignored her all the time. But both of them were bedridden and died the very same year, so she had to go and live with her uncle and aunt, but they died as well.

And so Awesome was sent to live in the ward, where she pined away for true love to come and rescue her from her predicament; for she knowed that she wouldn't be accepted by any of the craftsmasters for the very reason that she lived up to her name and they didn't want her upstaging them. It was all very sad.

She knew that there had been a case of a ward not being accepted by the craftsmasters and still going on to become great, but she doubted that that would happen for her. You see, the only other ward to have had a good future after being rejected so was noneother than her true love, Will No-Name, who didn't have a last name yet but was working really hard on it. She'd never met him in person; she'd gone to live in the ward five years after he'd already left.

And now she was doomed to have exactly the opposite of is fate.

But her pet talking wolf disagreed, telling her every day that she was destined for fabulous things the likes of which no one could imagine. And so she soldiered on bravely until choosing day, never telling a soul about her inner turmoil, not even her diary.

As she'd expected, she was rejected by absolutely everyone, even the craftsmasters who weren't really craftsmasters, and her fate was sealed. But at the last moment the ranger showed up!

It was noneother than Halt, come to leave a note about skittles for the baron! But the second he saw Awesome his attention was fixed and he hurridely whispered to the baron, begging to be allowed to have a second apprentice and finally getting his wish when he threatened to dig a moat to throw the baron into if he wasn't allowed a second apprentice.

So Awesome went to the rangers house the next day, trembling in fear because she'd always been secretly scared of everything because of something horrible that had happened in her super secret past. Halt opened the door and, for the first time since the last time, actually smiled.

"Hello, Awesome," he growled, "Welcome home."

Awesome, cowering slightly, slunk past him into the house and was instantly met by the rivetted gaze of...

Will No-Name!

She fainted.

She woke up three line breaks later, gazing around confusedly before her eyes landed on Will again. Dang he was hot...she'd never realized that, because he was her true love and all and she'd never seen him before and didn't quite even know that he was it. He was also a little short, she noticed upon further inspection, leaping off of Halts' couch and roaming around Will in a circle while looking him up and down. But he was also seriously epic in that cloak of his.

Will grinned at her, offering a hand shake and blushing slightly, as he'd instantly fallen at least slightly in love with her the second he'd seen her. "Hi!" he said cheerfully, "I'm Will!"

Awesome smiled shyly, looking away in a gorgeous fashion. "I...I'm Awesome..." she said softly.

Will nodded several times. "Yep! You're really awesome!"

Awesome shook her head. "No, my name is Awesome." she said.

Will nodded. "I'm sure it is," he said, equally as happily as before, "Let's hear it!"

Awesome rolled her eyes. "My mother named me Awesome when I was born, Awesome is litterally my name."

Will blinked. "Okay, seriously?"

Awesome nodded.

Halt decided to break it up before the magnet effect happened, because he could tell Awesome and Will were about to have a super epic moment that was usually reserved only for instances of Walyss such as the end of Ranger's Apprentice book one. "I'm your new mentor." he said, "Will won't be here next year, because he'll graduate at the end of this year and everything. He's still slightly traumatized about Skandia, but he'll get over it when he goes to live all alone in a cabin that, knowing his luck, will be in one of the Northern Fiefs. Might make a man out of him."

Will glared playfully, but Awesome could tell, with her EPIC mind reading skills, that something was bothering him.

The next day they all started training, and quickly fell into a pattern that involved Awesome outdoing even Halt with all of the weapons and even the sneaking through the forest. She introduced them to her epic talking wolf and even got her own ranger horse, which she named Super. But something odd was going on; Awesome would vanish every night, Will was starting to look both tired and worried and upset, and Halt was just acting...unlike himself...

Eventually the three of them went on a perfectly normal tracking exercise that was totally normal, but then they were attacked by a hundred gazillion million thousand googletillion wargals and almost killed! OMG!

But Awesome managed to save them, only by getting seriously messed up in the end.

Will rushed to her side, eyes wide with terror. "Awesome!" he wailed, "Awesome! Are you okay?"

Awesome clutched weakly at his cloak, spouting blood everywhere. "I'm...dying..." she choked, "Are you blind?"

Will wailed uncontrollably, "But AWESOME!" he half-shrieked, "You CAN'T DIE!"

Awesome laughed grotesquely, "The laws of science right now suggest otherwise."

Halt came up behind Will and shook his head miserably. "I'm sorry, Awesome," he said, "I should have protected you! This is all my fault because..." he hesitated.

Will looked up at him for a moment before he turned back to Awesome, "Awesome," he whispered, "You can't die because...because I love you..."

Halts' jaw dropped. "What?"

Will nodded miserably, "Yes...I love you..." he said.

Halt gaped. "But you can't love Awesome!" he said.

Will raised an eyebrow. "Why not?"

Halt looked away. "Because I love Awesome..."

Awesome shook her head. "No you don't..." she croaked, "Neither of you..."

The both looked at her curiously. "Why not?"

Awesome sighed heavily. "Because...*Coughs*...because you love...each other..."

Halt and Will exchanged glances, something changing in their eyes for a moment before,

"EW! NO!"

Awesome giggled slightly, still spurting blood all over the place. "Ha...ha...got...you..."

Will and Halt both breathed a sigh of relief before returning to their lamenting over Awesomes' impending death.

Suddenly she stiffened.

Will started wailing. "Nooo! NOO! NO!NO!NO!NO! NO!"

Awesome slapped him. "Not yet...stupid...This is...part...of...the...curse..."

Halt stepped nearer. "What curse?" he whispered.

Awesome sighed again. "I'm cursed..." she murmured.

Will cheered. "Yay! You're cured!"

Awesome growled. "Not cured, Will, _cursed_."

Will sulked. "Oh...what kind of a curse?"

Awesome took a deep breath, but died for real before she could tell them.

Suddenly everyone in the world loved her and cried so much that the resulting tears brought her back to life, as good as new.

Awesome took a bow and glomped Will. "I'm cursed," she said, "To every night transform into a wolf while my pet super talking wolf becomes human, but doesn't remember anything."

Will blinked, "So?"

Awesome sighed, "SO, the wolf that becomes human is...is my...fairy god...father..."

Will gaped. "There are fairy god FATHERS?"

Awesome nodded. "I know, I was shocked at first too...but you get used to it...anyway, we have to reverse the curse-"

Will giggled. "You rhymed!"

"Because I must return to the realm of the fairies or I'll...I'll...I'll die..."

Will rolled his eyes. "You already died!"

Awesome hissed quietly. "Yeah but I came back, the same will happen every time I die until I die from not being able to get back to the fairy realm."

Will sulked. "Oh. So...how to we stop the curse?"

Awesome fluttered her eyelashes at him. "True loves' kiss..."

Wills' eyebrows shot up. "Really? Um...I love you..."

Awesome shook her head. "No you don't, Halt does."

Halt spit out his coffee, as they'd long since been back at the cabin and stuff. "WHAT?"

Awesome grinned. "Kidding. It's Will."

Halt slapped himself, turning away and lowering his head. "You and Will are going to give me a heart attack...ah well...get to getting; I don't want you to die."

Awesome beamed and turned to Will expectantly. "Are...are you sure you want to help me?"

Will nodded and...

Hesitated. "Wait...Why wouldn't I help you, Awesome? You're awesome!"

Awesome shrugged. "There are...reasons..." she leaned toward him a bit, the magnet effect from the movies beginning to happen.

Will came a little closer as well, eyes closing. "What kinda reasons?" he asked quietly.

There was contact. Awesome waited a second before replying. "Reasons like you becoming a werewolf if you...um...snog..."

Will recoiled, eyes wide. "You could have said that before!" he growled, clawing madly at his face.

Awesome shrugged. "Hey, you said-"

Will glared. "You're evil...you know that..." he softened slightly, "But I love you."

Awesome nodded and waited a moment. "Yes well, before the curse can be lifted you have to let me repay my new debt to you. So," she said, clapping her hands, "What will it be? What's been troubling you lately?"

Halt shrugged. "I'm good, actually; I forgot what my problem was at the beginning of the story."

Will sighed. "I'm still traumatized by Skandia..." he admitted quietly, "And Halt's been acting a bit...strange..."

Awesome tilted her head. "What kind of strange?"

Halt suddenly leapt up from his chair, eyes flashing red, and leapt toward Will. "Nyaaah! Give me the ring!"

Will blinked. "Not that kind of strange, actually...nope...that's...uh...new..." he backed away a bit.

Awesome nodded. "I see. I can't actually help you on the Skandia thing, how about I give you something else?"

Will shrugged. "I can respect that..." he sighed, "Okay, what can you do?"

Awesome looked down for a moment.

Halt sighed and, blinking his eyes back to normal, sat down in his chair and started chugging coffee again. "Yeah, not that kind of strange. Doesn't work. Lemme try to work it out for a minute, I'll get back to you."

Awesome continued. "Yes...well...I can...find you a new true love..."

Will fell over. "What? WHY? I don't need a new one! I've got you!"

Awesome shook her head sadly. "Yes but, when my fairy god father comes to take me back to my realm and ultimately save my life, I'll no longer be able to return to your world, lest I turn to sand upon entrance."

Will sulked. "Sand turns into glass, I swear I can make a good replica; you won't be able to tell the difference!"

Awesome smiled slightly. "I'm the only one in the whole world who's that skilled, you know that. But I know who you're real true love is, come with me."

Will turned into a super epic wolf.

Awesome sighed. "Okay then...we'll have to wait, I guess."

As soon as Will was back to normal Awesome took him up to the castle and, looking around for awhile, led him to a door. "Go in there," she said, "Your true true love is inside."

Will opened the door and, eyes filling with joy, leapt at the first thing he saw.

Awesome stepped in to help. "No, Will," she said gently, "Stop hugging that chair. Your true true love is by the window."

Will looked up and saw his true true love; taller than him, with light blonde hair...

Horace turned around with raised eyebrows. "Will?"

Will nodded. "Horace..." he whispered.

Horace decided to start first. "Will...I..."

Awesome beamed.

Will and Horace both turned to gape at her. "Um, okay, are you seriously for real?"

Awesome shook her head, giggling. "I got you." she laughed, "I really got you good!"

When they returned back to the cabin Awesome had finally told Will to just get over it and wind up with Alyss or something, and she could tell that it was almost time to leave when she arrived. She turned sadly to Will, grabbing his hand. "Now you're not a werewolf anymore..." she sighed, "I've released you..."

Will blinked. "Really? Uh...why?"

Awesome shrugged. "Because only one person can play older werewolves, and you'll be older eventually. Taylor is so not hot, and he's not Australian either."

Will breathed a sigh of relief. "Ah, good, I was worried."

Awesome nodded. "And now...I have to go home...my fairy god father draws near.."

There was a shimmer of sparkly glitter on Halts' front porch and the fairy god father came into view.

Awesome cheered. "Yay! EDWARD!"

Edward glomped her. "Heeeey, Awesome, you ready to go back to fairy land?"

Awesome nodded adoringly. "Oh thank you fairy god father! I'm so glad you've come back."

Edward grinned happily, sparkling cheerfully in the moonlight. "Yeah, I like totally know, right? But Awesome! The curse isn't completly broken! You'll only go halfway back in about ten seconds if it's not broken!" he pointed at Halt, "You have to make him tell his deepest darkest dark secret!"

Awesome looked at Halt curiously. "Well?"

Halt shuffled awkwardly. "Um...well...you see..." he had one and a half seconds left, so he hurried, "You're my daughter."

Awesome gaped. "WHAT?"

But then it turned out that she was secretly evil and the world exploded.

* * *

Halt nodded slowly, looking seriously at Will. "Do you understand?" he asked.

Will, eyes wide, nodded several times. "I understand!" he said quickly, "That's awful!"

Halt sighed and closed his eyes, taking a deep draft of his coffee before looking at his first-year apprentice again, "Exactly. The story that I just told you is exactly why women should not become rangers."

Will frowned, nodding with a horrified expression still in place. "Halt, how'd you think of that? That's just scary! I could never love anyone but Alyss...and what in Araluen is a werewolf?"

Halt seemed to contemplate it for a while. "Ask Gilan at the gathering, alright? You already know about Wargals and what would happen if there was a female ranger, so I don't want to give you nightmares."

Will shrugged but pressed on. "Halt, where'd you get that story? I really want to know..."

Halt sighed, withdrawing a square object from under the table and flipping it open. "Come look," he said, pointing at a part of the square-thing that had light radiating from it, "You remember when I told you about fanfiction?"

Wills' eyes went impossibly large and he lept up, running from the room. "You said you didn't want me to have nightmares!" he yelped.

Halt watched him leave with a sarcastic grin. "I got you, Will," he muttered, "I got you good..."

* * *

**AND so there you have it! A tribute to Halts' Apprentice in the cruelest way I could think of! Please note that the contents of this story are directed at no actual story and mean no insult whatsoever to any user of this website. But I thought of this ages ago; a present that's made of various things I know you, Halts' Apprentice, hate. Slash, Mary-Sues, Female Rangers, the like. **

**Hope you're good and ticked at me! *Wink* **


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